SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE "DARK"
It’s been well over a month since my last blog entry or
podcast for Insight360. A variety of reason for the cause but the main reason
is quite frankly that I just haven’t been doing well.
I said before that I’m no Pastor, Scribe, Monk or
Theological giant. I’m just a guy that is trying to live out his faith day by
day by day. Living as a disciple and follower of Jesus Christ. The LORD blessed
my wife and I with an amazing unexpected trip. We were able because of her job
to spend a week on the Island of Oahu in Hawaii. An absolutely amazing trip and
something that I honestly never thought I’d be able to do. This turned out to
be one of those times I could actually cross off an item on my “Bucket List”.
That said, I remember as my trip was coming to a close that
as I walked out of the door from this little tropical island paradise and the
little house we stayed in (AirBnB by the
way is the way to go) this random feeling of deep depression and Dred came over
me. It stuck with me for the next 24 hours as I had to take a red eye from
Hawaii to San Francisco and then spent 12 hours in the air going from San Fran
to Dulles in Washington D.C. It was awful. I didn’t sleep at all and on top of
that I was dealing with this “thing”.
I couldn’t place my finger on what exactly had me down.
There were some obvious ones like work, busy life with “stuff” that had to be
done, etc…but something else was driving me low. Yesterday it hit me as I
curled over in the shower on my knees in prayer (literally naked before the
lord). My past and all my failures were piling up on me as well dreams not yet
lived and that feeling as though they are a million miles away never to be
touched. I also had this overwhelming sense of despair and disappointment.
Have you ever felt that? It’s terrible and I’m an emotional
kind of person so when this kind of thing hits me it usually sticks to my bones
and like most men I retreat into my cave until I’m ready to come out.
Thankfully my wife is away on business so she doesn’t have to put up with that
kind of crap.
SIDE NOTE: The fact is
if you’re a guy when you go into your cave your better half has to live in the
cave with you and it’s not fun.
So, today I missed my workout since my wife is out of town
I’m holding down the fort and had to take the dog out for his 45 minute walk. I
enjoy that because it provides some very real quiet time at 5:30AM. I like to
put my headphones on and listen to classical music or music that’s meditative.
As I was walking I found myself praying or at least searching for the words to
pray. I was reminded of a verse in the bible:
Philippians 4:6-7: Be
anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
Jesus.
I just needed some peace but in this verse God is clear that
he’s not making you “feel” the peace if you know what I mean. He simply says
that the way you handle anxiety is through prayer, petition and thanksgiving
and that as a result the Peace of God will “guard” your heart and your mind.
Meaning, even though you don’t feel at peace God is guarding you when you trust
in him.
With that I was free to just pray. I’ve certainly prayed and
petitioned him a lot lately so my prayers turned to thanksgiving. Here’s some
very basic prayers I prayed that put my mind and heart on track for the day and
lead me out of the darkness this morning.
-
Lord, thank you for your peace.
- Lord, thank you for your mercy.
- Lord, thank you for your great love that you have shown to me in Christ.
- Lord, thank you for the stars in the sky.
- Lord, thank you for the way creation proclaims your beauty (The stars were really out this morning)
- Lord, thank you that I am not defined by my past.
- Lord, thank you for yet another day to breath and live in you.
- Lord, thank you for my health. Thank you that despite the history of cancer in my family you have protected me and my family from that disease.
I started writing this entry at 8am it’s now after 10am. Do
I feel like a giant? Have all the stresses gone? Am I feeling on top of the
world and keeper of my domain?
Nope.
BUT, I know that HE is with me in this thickness. Like
Meshach, Shadrach and Abendigo he is with me in the fire.
Have Faith, Live Free and Live Fearlessly….even when you're in the dark.
Gordon
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